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Just The Facts
Goofus and Gallant has been running in Highlights for Children since 1948, when all children were white.
Goofus has officially been fucking up for 62 years while Gallant died in the cross for your sins.
Gallant was murdered at his school last year when he asked for more homework before spring break.
It wasn’t until 2005 that they stopped drawing Goofus and Gallant on 1 ply napkins using tiny lottery pencils. Since then they switched to an even crappier and generic computer format.

“I love thorns! They’re sexy and dangerous. Even though you know they’ll hurt you, you still want to crawl in them.” (via HONY)
“In related news, an old white woman just called all the downtown kids uncool, and for one of the only times in recorded human history, it actually stings.”
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The diet that Paltrow advocates … is basically what all the feral, anti-agrarian anarchist hippie kids ate at the commune where I used to live.

The idea that I ran from New York to a place deep in the woods to soul-search and ended up eating the same diet as Gwyneth Paltrow—who went to an uberfancy Upper East Side private school (exactly the kind of upbringing I was trying to escape)—is ironic, maybe, and makes my insides feel like crap.